Thoughts

 

A transparent post...

This post comes after a long time of prayer and thinking about the what ifs.  What if?  

I have had so many "what if" moments in my life especially since we have stepped into our unknown and lately I have felt a little struck in my spirit.  What?!  Yes, even people of the faith have moments of doubt and really hard days.  I have days where I have questioned God.  Not questioned His existence or my relationship with Him but I have talks with Him daily about decisions.  I have talks with Him daily about "am I doing this right God?"  I have wife guilt on top of mom guilt on top of friend guilt on top of people guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt.  Make sense?  Trust me.  It's not all peachy walking this path.  But then again "who's path is peachy?"  I haven't met one person yet that hasn't walked through a struggle.

What if I went silent?

Over and over I have played in my head "no one wants to hear what you have to say".  I have thoughts about people judging me.  Thoughts about "why would anyone care what goes on your life?"  "Who are you to think that you have anything to say worthy of other people's ears?"  I have these thoughts because I do know that people have passed judgement. They may have not said it directly to me but I have heard it.  Sad.  But the more and more I think about it I have to keep reminding myself that "God is within her and she will not fail!"  #livingapsalm46life. Our thoughts can be powerful and mold us.  They can be toxic and ruin what God has for us.  They can destroy our inner most intimate parts of our hearts.  They can kill us!  That is why I have daily set in my thoughts and in my works that I will not let it control me.  I will not fear.  I have heard it said before that the Bible says "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid" over 365 times.  I think God is trying to give us a message there.  I am pretty convinced that He clearly wants us to lean into Him and give all of our fear and struggles to Him.  Yes, we are human.  Yes, we are not perfect.  Yes, we have freewill.  Yes, we will trip up.  But if we continually remind ourselves that "God is for us" then NO ONE in the world can be "against" you.  Ok, maybe against you ha but they can't harm you.  They can't harm your thoughts if you don't allow them to.  When you give God complete control of your thoughts then nothing can touch you.  I am preaching to myself.  Trust me.  It is not easy but if we daily give God our focus then I believe our thoughts can change and our hearts can be healed.  If you need prayer in this area and want someone to agree with you please feel free to email me.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Which leads me to my next thought...

What if I am alone?

This has been a season of loneliness to say the least.  Good lord it has felt soooooooo lonely.  I went from attending a fairly large church with many Sunday “happy” faces saying "how are you? great to see you!", a full classroom of kindergarten students, and consistent (same) people in my life to almost nothing and lots of strangers.  It has been quite a shock to get use to especially because we still are in the same area and have not left for the field of missions yet.  But the most important thing that I have learned so far that I didn't think I needed learning in this area (we all think we know it all at some point or we didn't even realize we needed to know it) that no matter who is and who is not in my life here in the now, GOD never leaves.  GOD never changes.  GOD is always consistent.  GOD never walks away.  GOD is always a friend.  GOD is those who can't be.  Let me say that again so you can read it again.  GOD IS THOSE WHO CAN'T BE.  or WON'T be for you.  That has helped my lonely heart.  That thought has carried me through some of my darkest moments.  That will continue to carry me through it all.  So many scriptures throughout the Bible talk about how He will never leave you. He will always be there for you.  No matter what!!!  Some of my favorites so you can come back to them when you need encouragement. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 "It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed." ESV

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Psalm 46:10-11 "Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" 11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

I can keep listing them but I won't.  Ha. As I mentioned above over 365 times, that's more than a years worth of scriptures, does it clearly say that we are not to fear and that He will never leave us alone.  

So, in my time of loneliness, I have leaned in to Him.  I have found how much He wants to be with us, with me.  How many times have I thought that I needed someone to be there but in all reality I had someone there with me the whole time.  And it wasn't just anyone.  It was the only ONE.  The number ONE.  The most important ONE!  My God.  My Jesus.  My Jehovah Shaman (always there). 

My hopes for this post and the continuation of this blog is that you find encouragement in it.  I hope that you can find a friend in it.  I hope that you can find relation to it.   I hope that you can find JESUS in it.  

More to come...😉

Blessings, 

Alicia Joy