Mama

 

Happy May 18th. Lol. I woke up today not feeling the best in spirit just cause life gets you down sometimes you know?  My heart felt a weight that just doesn’t ever seem to go away but sometimes it hits me at the weirdest and odd times. Grief.  Most know but some don’t, I lost my mom when I was 29 years old. So young. I’m 40 now!  I look back and think my goodness I was just becoming a woman, a mom, a wife, etc.  I was just becoming me and she moved to her eternity. I feel as though I missed out on so many more years of training.  K. Fast forward to today. I had a heavy feeling in my spirit for some crazy reason (Holy spirit moment) this morning for the people in New Zealand.  I mean I pray everyday for those I haven’t met yet in New Zealand but to be honest it’s hard to pray sometimes for something you don’t really know about or how to pray for until you actually find out the intimate needs and live surrounded by a community. My heart still feels the burden to get there. I was praying for the unborn children that I haven’t met yet. (New Zealanders) I was praying for myself that I can be the mama to those students and people that I never had for myself. It’s been hard not having that close mom figure in my life but I know that God can and will always fill that void if we allow Him to use us.  God knows even before we do what we need, how He is going to communicate it to us, and that He loves us so very much and He hasn’t forgotten about us. He just sometimes uses angels to do it. As soon as I got home from running some errands I walked up on a package from Amazon. I thought “oh man, I didn’t order anything I wonder if charlee did by accident again”.  She has done that before. Lol. Thank goodness nothing expensive. Ha. So I opened it and it was this super cute shirt with the big letters MAMA on it!  What?!  God seriously!  But there was nothing inside the package other than the shirt. So my first go to was check my Amazon account (which by the way New Zealand doesn’t have Amazon lol). Nope didn’t order it. So then I almost posted a pic on social media to see if anyone would fess you to sending me it but then nope I knew it!  My dear sister/friend Abby!  I texted her and low and behold yup she just said she remembered I liked hers several months back and she thought about it yesterday and just got it sent to me. Dear Lord!  I’m telling y’all the Holy Spirit knows!  His timing is so perfect!  In every way. 🥹🥲😭♥️ I started balling texting her and then just thanked God for His wonders. If you are down in spirit thinking that you are not being seen or heard just know He knows your heart and He loves you.  He used a sweet friend and a tshirt to confirm that what we are doing and growing through is not going unnoticed. It is being noticed by the only eyes that matter the most. His. (And I think my momma peels through heaven too lol.) The end. 

District Council 2022

Pulled a book from the shelves of the amazing Gateway library and this was on the back.  

I love this quote. 

The in-laws and new Assistant Superintendents of South Texas!

Pastor Doug and Janet

(Our first church that we worked at as a married couple)

My Didi bug

sneaking a pic

Sneaky sneaky

Jay Mooney bringing a great word!

My sweet momma friend Katrina

Need to get my hands on this book

Best idea ever!  Built right into their concrete floor.  Love it. 

My sweet sister/friend Autumn

Love how God works!  God knows I needed a sweet sister/friend like her.

Love this 

My bubbas

(we use to bring Caleb to this movie theater when we lived here and he was 2 years old)

San Antonio Zoo and the Lory feedings

Bear and I having fun on the Carousel 

Daddy and Bubby

Bub and Didi

The littles

Our little airbnb

It's been a busy last couple of weeks.  Wait...last couple of weeks?  lol. more like just going going going all the time.  There is no routine anymore with this family except praying. ha. We are going every which way but in a good way!  Itinerating has definitely become a faith building process and it has stretched us in areas we didn't think even could be stretched, BUT GOD!  We know we are called to go to the nations and we know that GOD is the GOD of the impossible and will make it happen!  Our goals may be big but our God is bigger!  

We had a blast at District council and made so many great connections both for support but more importantly friendships within the kingdom of God!  I just love how the Holy Spirit orchestrates everything when we let go and let Him do the rest. We seriously had so many God divine appointments made that were so organically formed that we are still praising Him about.  

 New Zealand is calling us!  We hear it!  We can't wait to get there!  We will go!  God Send Us!  We are ready!

Pieces of my heart ♥️

 Pieces of my heart ♥️ 

(I have not wanted to be vulnerable in awhile mainly because I’ve wrestled with thoughts in my head from hurt but here it is)

I have such an urgency in my heart to throw away, get rid of, pitch almost everything these days. Nesting stage.  I just want to fly. I just want the weight of “things” to be lifted so when it’s time for us to leave that we can just run to the finish line.  Our finish line in this very moment (because we all know things change, goals changes, moments change, etc) is to be fully funded so we can head out to New Zealand. It feels like the longest pregnancy ever in my life. Lol. 😂😵‍💫😣😬🤦🏼‍♀️🎉 All the emotions. I’d like to use the analogy of running a marathon verses a sprint but honestly I can’t say I know what that feels like. I did track 1 year in high school and I thought “this is for the birds!”  I enjoyed cheering more than running around a circle on a track. Ha. Just me though.  High five to all the runners out there. I’ll be your cheerleader for now. 

What I can relate to is pregnancy. 😉 I loved moments of the pregnancies. Not everything about it though that’s for sure.  I loved the announcements. I loved to be able to share with the world that we were going to receive a blessing in our life.  I loved  the middle of the pregnancy. I loved when I could actually look “cute” for a bit and show a round belly.  The beginning part of the pregnancy I always just felt sick and bloated so when I finally got to a cuter stage I was like “oh yeah!”  Then the end.  😣🙄 It felt like FOREVER til the due date or anywhere near it. On every pregnancy it felt like forever!  

 

So how am I relating this to our journey now you ask?  Lol. I was getting there. 

Announcing it was fun!  After the announcement Covid. So not fun for anyone.  Then the middle to end.  We are more around the 7 month prenatal stage right now. We can feel the Braxton Hicks. We can feel our surroundings more and more getting ready to labor. We feel good but it’s starting to feel like we are ready to prepare for the baby. Prepare for the departure.  Prepare for the blessing. Prepare for the work in New Zealand. Because just like pregnancy it’s not over when you have that baby. It’s only just beginning.  

We are so thankful for our support team. YOU! (And we need more of you too! 😉)  There have been some dark and lonely days but we feel that God is allowing us to walk in these moments so that when we get to our field we will crave the urgency for yet another pregnancy. (Not a physical one!) For a community. For the hearts of New Zealand to hear the name of Jesus and not just dismiss Him.  For relationships to be made.  For a place the community can come and live life together without judgment or surface level friendships.  For a place they can dive in deep to His love.  For a place to feel accepted. For a place to walk with Jesus.  For a place to truly know the word of God.  For a place where all is loved.  

Love and blessings to all, 

Alicia Joy 

“Beyond the beauty; Into the community”

#Allardaroundtheworldadventures 

Treasures

 

Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

 

This last visit to New Jersey was great and good for the soul once again.  There is something about going back to the place where my childhood was created.  I am blessed enough to be able to still walk into the same home that I was brought home from the hospital in.  Although my beautiful momma isn't there to hug me with open arms my Dad still is.  💛

We relived many great memories together like going to Country Kitchen and eating pork roll sandwiches, to waiting for the bridge to go up and then down on ocean ave from Belmar to Avon, driving all along the Jersey shore beaches, seeing my old place of employment (The Breakers), eating Lobster at one of my fav restaurants, visiting with my sister and her family, and then visiting churches.  Not just visiting them because we were visitors but we were itinerating as missionaries there.  I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would ever go back to my home town to do that.  I had always thought that missions was going to be apart of my life but I didn't ever really know if it was ever going to be my full time focus.  😅 

Carry on...

So in my down time my dad asked me to help him go through more things in the house.  Things that have just not been touched or messed with in the last 10 years now that mom has been gone.  This is always a hard task.  It just hurts my heart and makes me sad that she isn't here.  Here to experience life with my kids, me, all of it.  She would have been the BEST grandma ever!  Period.  AHHHHHHH!!!!  k.  no going back.  Sorry.  Just have to get feelings out sometimes.  Anywho...I went through some more closets and got rid of some more stuff.  yup. stuff.  stuff that was hers.  Clothes.  Belts.  Shoes.  ETC.  Things that are just hard to get rid of sometimes.  But I did it.  💔

In the middle of going through some more I found some more treasures.  Yes.  These are treasures to me.  Every year.  Every anniversary of her death.  Every birthday.  Every holiday.  You name it. Every normal day lol.  I look for pictures.  I look for "new" pictures of her in it and its been slim pickings in my house for awhile now.  BUT I found "NEW" ones!!!!!  Like my heart leaped for JOY!  My middle name.  😉

So here are some new ones.  

I will give you a little back story on these.  This is a picture of my mom holding me in the "gold" chair.  The squeaky old "gold" chair.  It rocked and it squeaked but it was the safest place for me.  She would come home from a late night at the salon (hairdressers know what I am talking about crazy hours!!!) and sometimes pull me out of bed to rock me back to sleep just to get a moment with me.  Sometimes I'd be waiting up for her just so I could get a moment with her.  (She worked her tail off for us!)  As crazy as it sounds not lying even up until I moved out to get married and it came with me, if I was having a bad moment I would jump in that chair with her and feel the safest.  She would tell me everything was gonna be alright.  She would pray over me in that chair.  She would make jokes with me in that chair.  We shared life together in that chair. Lol. It moved from that chair to the red chairs.  Ha.  I will share that later sometime.  Ok.  Seriously, when I look at the whole picture it wasn't the "chair" that made it but it was the relationship built in those moments.  The chair just happened to be the on looker.  I guess. So. Fast Forward.  The chair moved with me.  Ha.  

When I was getting married and moved out I told my mom I had to have that chair so I could have it to rock my babies in and make memories with them in it too.      

Josh had the chair recovered for one of my birthdays because he knew how much I cherished it and I didn't want it to keep falling apart and aging.  This is the chair now.  It's beautiful.  It still squeaks but that is because Josh asked specifically that when they redid the chair that they didn't mess with anything else except for the upholstery.  The squeak makes it.  😌

So my God moment in all of this... (cause that's in all of it right?)

I asked myself the question...if I had to give up "the chair" would I?  Yikes.  That would be a really hard thought out yes (biting my tongue, gritting my teeth, shoulders tight, super stressed yes lol).  I would if I had to only because I know its not about "the chair" that gave me all the feel good feelings and rescued me from some really deep dark moments in my life, but its about the moments that were spent with my mom in that chair and since she ain't coming back to sit with me in it, it really isn't that worthy.  I will say that I won't give it up easy and I will try to keep it but I am just working through my feelings and knowing that it's not the chair but its all the moments shared in "it" instead.  The pictures are a treasure also!  I was so excited to find these treasures and being able to "see" the memories again that I had in my heart in front of me made me feel the joy and pain all over again.  I feel them.  I have them show up every once in awhile but then to actually have a picture to go with them is honestly indescribable.  

So I'll state the scripture verse again...

Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Where are you in this? Do you hold onto things?  Too many things?  Not enough things?  Do you build up something into something bigger than it should be?  Do you treasure moments?  Are your treasures in heaven?

   

I love how Jesus tells us “Store up treasures in heaven where moth and rust will not destroy.” 

Basically saying the things of this world will get messed up or ruined but if you “treasure” what you can take to heaven with you, you will be able to keep it forever. That helps my heart a lot. So with that in mind…I will treasure my relationships. I will treasure those that I will be able to see again one day and make beautiful moments and memories in the meantime. 

Alicia Joy

No filter needed

 God created you!  Beautifully and wonderfully made!  Filters sometimes take away the beauty of you.  Sometimes they can add it too.  I like to play with them sometimes but then I need to come back to the reality of how God made me.  He thinks I’m beautiful.  Even in all my mistakes and all my flaws, He still loves me.  Still!  My joy is found in Him.  Not how I look.  Not how someone thinks I look.  Not how I imagine myself.  Just me.  Everything about He loves.  I use to do a bit of modeling back in those younger years when I lived close to The city.  😉 NYC.  It was fun.  I made so many good memories especially the ones with my momma.  Running around the streets of NY trying to make it to one go see after the other (interviews for jobs).  We ran up and down those big apple blocks.  We took taxis here and there.  It was a blast.  But some didn’t see the beauty God gave me.  I am NOT tooting my horn.  Just saying.  Some didn’t care for what they saw.  Some did.  I was used for extras.  I got runway jobs. I got some fun print adds. But at the end of the day I still knew that if they didn’t see me for all that I was He still did.  I realized that eventually there was going to be an end of the road for me in that industry and I just wanted to end it before it ended me.  

God doesn’t offer us an end of the road!  He offers us life and eternity forever.  I just love that.  So. Know your worth.  Know you are beautiful to Him and that’s all that matters in the end.  😘♥️✌🏼 My two cents.  😉 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14

Thoughts

 

A transparent post...

This post comes after a long time of prayer and thinking about the what ifs.  What if?  

I have had so many "what if" moments in my life especially since we have stepped into our unknown and lately I have felt a little struck in my spirit.  What?!  Yes, even people of the faith have moments of doubt and really hard days.  I have days where I have questioned God.  Not questioned His existence or my relationship with Him but I have talks with Him daily about decisions.  I have talks with Him daily about "am I doing this right God?"  I have wife guilt on top of mom guilt on top of friend guilt on top of people guilt on top of guilt on top of guilt.  Make sense?  Trust me.  It's not all peachy walking this path.  But then again "who's path is peachy?"  I haven't met one person yet that hasn't walked through a struggle.

What if I went silent?

Over and over I have played in my head "no one wants to hear what you have to say".  I have thoughts about people judging me.  Thoughts about "why would anyone care what goes on your life?"  "Who are you to think that you have anything to say worthy of other people's ears?"  I have these thoughts because I do know that people have passed judgement. They may have not said it directly to me but I have heard it.  Sad.  But the more and more I think about it I have to keep reminding myself that "God is within her and she will not fail!"  #livingapsalm46life. Our thoughts can be powerful and mold us.  They can be toxic and ruin what God has for us.  They can destroy our inner most intimate parts of our hearts.  They can kill us!  That is why I have daily set in my thoughts and in my works that I will not let it control me.  I will not fear.  I have heard it said before that the Bible says "Do not fear" or "Do not be afraid" over 365 times.  I think God is trying to give us a message there.  I am pretty convinced that He clearly wants us to lean into Him and give all of our fear and struggles to Him.  Yes, we are human.  Yes, we are not perfect.  Yes, we have freewill.  Yes, we will trip up.  But if we continually remind ourselves that "God is for us" then NO ONE in the world can be "against" you.  Ok, maybe against you ha but they can't harm you.  They can't harm your thoughts if you don't allow them to.  When you give God complete control of your thoughts then nothing can touch you.  I am preaching to myself.  Trust me.  It is not easy but if we daily give God our focus then I believe our thoughts can change and our hearts can be healed.  If you need prayer in this area and want someone to agree with you please feel free to email me.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Which leads me to my next thought...

What if I am alone?

This has been a season of loneliness to say the least.  Good lord it has felt soooooooo lonely.  I went from attending a fairly large church with many Sunday “happy” faces saying "how are you? great to see you!", a full classroom of kindergarten students, and consistent (same) people in my life to almost nothing and lots of strangers.  It has been quite a shock to get use to especially because we still are in the same area and have not left for the field of missions yet.  But the most important thing that I have learned so far that I didn't think I needed learning in this area (we all think we know it all at some point or we didn't even realize we needed to know it) that no matter who is and who is not in my life here in the now, GOD never leaves.  GOD never changes.  GOD is always consistent.  GOD never walks away.  GOD is always a friend.  GOD is those who can't be.  Let me say that again so you can read it again.  GOD IS THOSE WHO CAN'T BE.  or WON'T be for you.  That has helped my lonely heart.  That thought has carried me through some of my darkest moments.  That will continue to carry me through it all.  So many scriptures throughout the Bible talk about how He will never leave you. He will always be there for you.  No matter what!!!  Some of my favorites so you can come back to them when you need encouragement. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 "It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed." ESV

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Psalm 46:10-11 "Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" 11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

I can keep listing them but I won't.  Ha. As I mentioned above over 365 times, that's more than a years worth of scriptures, does it clearly say that we are not to fear and that He will never leave us alone.  

So, in my time of loneliness, I have leaned in to Him.  I have found how much He wants to be with us, with me.  How many times have I thought that I needed someone to be there but in all reality I had someone there with me the whole time.  And it wasn't just anyone.  It was the only ONE.  The number ONE.  The most important ONE!  My God.  My Jesus.  My Jehovah Shaman (always there). 

My hopes for this post and the continuation of this blog is that you find encouragement in it.  I hope that you can find a friend in it.  I hope that you can find relation to it.   I hope that you can find JESUS in it.  

More to come...😉

Blessings, 

Alicia Joy 

He opens doors that can't be open by just us.  He makes a way when we can't.  He has a purpose for our lives.  He sees the bigger picture.  The bigger plan.  We see only a glimpse at a time.  He knows our heart and what we were made for.  God, you are so real.  You are paving my way.  You have designed my canvas already.  I trust in You!

God wouldn't give me more than I can handle

He won't give you more than you can handle right?  Sometimes I beg to differ.  It is just too frustrating sometimes that I can't pick up the phone to call my mom.  I sometimes start talking out loud to her.  That doesn't always seem to work cause there is no answer.  Just makes me feel more crazy.  Why does God take away?  Why do we exist to die?  Why not just create us to worship Him in heaven?  Why do we have to suffer here on earth through the pain and hard times when we will eventually get to heaven if we just believe in Christ?  Why go through all this junk here?  Why?  I don't understand.

It was suppose to be nap time...I just couldn't resist. She is just so stinkin cute!

Old McDonald's Farm/Pumpkin Patch

Little Rae looking and feeling the bunny

Bubba petting the pig that had Papa's hair

Brothers

Daddy and his little girl

(I think this is the only time you will see Josh next to a deer without a gun!)

Bubba and Nana feeding the big Emu

Cousins feeding the sheep

Momma and her babies

Papa and Nana with their Grandbabies

Little man riding the Polka dotted pony.

Three cousins about to go to Old McDonald's Farm

Just a little update

Caleb helping Sadie put her sun glasses on

My 3 year old knows how to use the computer and ipods!

Just testing my mac iphoto

Drinking juices boxes

Not happy about her ears

Caleb felt bad when she cried but then it made him happy when she stopped

This face is priceless! I was cracking up. She screamed so loud the whole Deerbrook Mall heard her.

Right before

Little spagetti face

I can not believe how fast my kids are growing up. Sadie Rae's first birthday came and went. Nana took her to get her ears pierced for being 1 year old. She didn't like it at all. But they look so cute. No pain no gain. The girl better get use to it! We had a little lady bug birthday party for her. She is just too cute. She loves eating strawberries and tomatoes! I think the girl might turn into one. Everyday she learns more and more. She says Hi, momma, ma, dadda, bubba, and then a bunch of words in her own language. It is funny. Caleb and I crack up all day long listening to her talk. She loves her Papa and Nana's dog Phoebe. Whenever I bring her down stairs she says "Hi phee". So sweet. Caleb is cute. He has been saying "What is that in the world?" He hears us saying the phrase "what in the world is that?" and his words get jumbled up. He is happy to be going to MichaelBubba's kid's church and being able to see his cousin Lexi all the time. Sadie loves dancing to music in the car. She especially likes when Miley Cyrus comes on with "Party in the USA". Caleb likes Boom Boom from Black eyed Peas. He loves dancing to the cupid shuffle. It's hilarious how he tries to make his knees go in and out. Caleb is weighing in these days at 36 pounds and he is 38 1/2 inches long. Sadie Rae is packing in the pounds at 24 and she is 31 inches long. My kids are growing so fast. I wish I could stop it sometimes and take it all in. Caleb even knows how to use my itouch now and my computer. Crazy! I don't have time to write novels on here about my kids milestones but they are kept in my heart and mind. My life is a bit chaotic now but we are working through it. God only knows what is going to happen next. When I get a moment I will write more. Too busy between school and kids.